Thoughts, reflection and part of my vision.
Hello my friends, how is life?
For the past few days I have been (successfully) ignoring that the year is coming to an end, I (barely) survived Christmas (it’s not the easiest time for me but it will get better eventually and I try to see it as just another day of the year and not expect everything to be oh-so peaceful and merry. For some people it might work but I usually find myself getting disappointed if I try too hard to have a good time and not think about problems.
So for everybody who is a little like me, maybe comes from a broken home, is going through a hard time or simply doesn’t really like Christmas:
It’s okay. We did it.
It’s okay if you couldn’t keep the peace, it’s okay if you argued with someone you love.
It’s okay if you cried, if you weren’t happy with how the holidays went or if you just wish they wouldn’t even exist at all because it just makes you feel like you lack something that other people have in their life.
It’s all okay.
I wish I had written this post before the holidays for everyone who is struggling but I was too busy struggling myself.
Coming home is always a bit difficult for me.
On one side it’s great to be comfortable, hang out with my Mum and my dog, see some friends, sleep in and not having to worry about leaving the house for 3 days (or wearing clothes other than pajamas).
On the other side I feel like many circumstances and people here inevitably remind me of how things used to be and of a dark, dark place that I don’t want to set foot in ever again.
I am not my past.
I am not defined by what happened in 2017 or in any year before that.
I am not the family members or friends I used to have or the guys I used to like.
I am no longer the abused, hurt and confused teenage girl.
I am enough.
And so are you.
Everything that happens shapes us as people but it shall never define us.
I define myself through my virtues, the good I have done, the people I got to help and inspire. The hours of joy and laughter and the ones of open, honest and vulnerable conversations with friends, family and strangers.
I define myself through my truth and living by it.
What defines us is not what happens to us but how we deal with it.
How we walk through the fire and come out on the other side.
How we change, adapt and grow.
It’s ever fascinating to me how one tiny little incident can change absolutely everything in a person’s life.
An accident, a call, a letter, a word, even.
We are so fragile yet so strong.
You don’t even realize just how strong you are.
I have been thinking about a lot of things lately (surprise, surprise) one of them is what it would mean for me to jump head first and dive into the great unknown, as Jen Sincero always calls it.
What do I really want ?
A friend challenged me to think about taking leaps a while ago and now I’m challenging you, my dear:
What does your heart desire?
What do you really, really want in life?
What are your dreams made of?
Take up space. Give yourself permission to shine. Step into your power. Embrace it. Show it to everyone. Live big and dream bigger.
Don’t let them tell you ‘you’re too much’ or ‘you’re not good enough’. You’re perfect.
You are enough.
You are worthy. Deserving. Wonderful. Epic.
The world needs you and your gifts.
Your passion glows out of you.
You don’t need to wait for permission to do what you want to do – you just need to believe in it.
You don’t need to wait for people to tell you that you can do it – you just have to believe you can do it.
And read it again if you need too.
In fact, read it as many times as you need to.
I feel like I myself need to write these things all over my walls and mirrors and read them 24/7 to start believing them eventually.
All of the above are things that people have said to me over the past few months and now I want to pass them onto YOU.
Because you freaking deserve it, just as much as I do.
The problem with external validation…
I am beyond grateful for the growing support network I have right now and I appreciate every kind word I receive yet my friend had a really important point in a conversation we had the other week:
All these compliments, encouragements and words of deep respect and love are worth nothing if I don’t believe them.
A part of me always wants more and I know it’s a hole that can never be filled from external validation.
It’s something only I can do for myself.
I used to listen and take in when people said nice things to me or complimented me on something but a minute later it was all gone and all I could remember was that one person that gave me a weird look after I went off stage. Or that one time someone said I sucked at what I do.
The part of me that is too critical and a never-satisfied perfectionist starts shouting in my head and pointing out flaws and soon enough all the positive feedback I had received was being silenced and swallowed by my inner critic.
Does that sound familiar at all?
How often have you said ‘Stop it, I don’t look good at all today!’ or ‘That was nothing, it wasn’t a great achievement.’ or ‘No, you were much better than me!’ when given a compliment?
Especially us women, we are guilty of giving back compliments to shift the focus away from us because we don’t feel like we deserve it.
Next time someone compliments you just breathe it in and say ‘Thank you!’. That’s it.
My point is that for years I was waiting for people to believe in me so I could.
For friends and family to support me so I would feel like now I could do what I want to.
That time never came.
Not because no one believed in me or gave a shit but because I DID NOT BELIEVE IN MYSELF NOR THAT I COULD DO WHAT I WANTED TO DO.
CAPITAL LETTERS because it almost pisses me off how much we sabotage ourselves sometimes without realizing it…
(It pisses me off a lot actually.)
The conversation with my friend I mentioned above gave me the push I really needed.
I hope this post can do the same for you.
I also realized something else:
I have been playing it safe.
And playing it safe is… well… safe and nice and comfortable but also BORING.
And it doesn’t lead me to the success I’m aiming for.
I realized how much I’m holding back in everything I write, say and do.
Hell, this is my only life, this is the only time I’m 22 writing this blogpost at 11:40 pm on the 30th of December 2017!! (You get what I’m saying)
And don’t worry, I’m not gonna go all #YOLO and tell you to quit your jobs and travel the world (actually, I might do that…) but for me personally a good New Year’s Resolution would be to just stop giving so many fucks about what people think of me!
here’s a great book
And truth is:
It’s not about me or any of us at all, it’s about the impact we make and the legacy we leave behind.
Working with a coach in 2017 as well as talking (and listening) to a lot of successful, happy people made me realize that it’s not about us worrying if we’ll receive hate for speaking up.
It’s about the fact that we use our right to speak up in the first place.
It’s not about what I look like in a YouTube video or on a poetry slam stage.
MY WORDS matter, not my bloody outfit or if I have acne or not.
How much time do we spend worrying how we look while we could spend time asking ourselves:
- How can I improve as a person?
- How can I serve the world and those around me?
- How can I lead by example?
Another thing is…
I also realized that I don’t want to fit in.
I had this idea in my head about a nice little blog, writing about food, travel, health and wellness…. Yawn.
Just like thousands of other bloggers these days.
Doing so is fun and safe and perhaps some posts are helpful to you but it’s not very unique and above all it’s not me.
In 2018 I will use my voice and polarize.
I will provoke thoughts and question beliefs.
Hell, I didn’t come this far to just share breakfast recipes!
I want to talk about stuff that goes deep.
I want this to be an open space to just talk about topics like mental illness, sex, heartache, art, self-expression, traveling (solo), living life out of comfort zone and all other things that MATTER.
That is what I really want.
I know that the stuff I write is not for everyone and that is totally fine.
I’m getting used to the idea of putting myself out there knowing not everyone will agree or feel encouraged by what I say. All I can do is try to serve the audience that relates best and keep this blog as real and authentic as possible.
I am always open to feedback or suggestions on topics to write about, so feel free to reach out at any time.
So far I have a really long list of scheduled posts and I’m also going to be collaborating with a bunch of pretty damn cool people who agreed on sharing their heart with me here too.
2018, I think I’m ready for you know and I know this sounds cheesy but I know this is going to be the best year EVER.
Thank you for being a part of it.
Lots and lots and lots of love and positive vibes,