22, single, broke and unemployed with a big dream.

London Diaries

January 12th, 2018. 

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Well, what can I say.

I have been here in London a week now and it hasn’t been great.

Cities always make me feel a bit lost in general though it was especially overwhelming coming here straight after the Meditation Retreat.

And because it’s winter.

And I don’t want to spend a load of money on keeping myself entertained.

Seriously though, how do you meet people in such a big city when you don’t have a job yet and school hasn’t started? I’m taking suggestions.

Shit.

Just as I was writing this the landlord of the place I was meant to move in today cancelled. CANCELLED!!

OKAY! I’m literally sitting here in the lobby of my Airbnb, bags packed and now I have nowhere to stay for the night yet. Nice.

And I’m surprisingly calm and centered (as always when my little world seems crumbling down…).

I get it. I’m being tested again.

How bad do you want it? Are you willing to go the extra mile?

Or alternatively you could imagine the universe whispering:

Patient little warrior. Something better is on the way.

You think I’m crazy for putting it that way?!

I’m telling you every time I’m in the shit (is that even a saying?) and I feel like everything is going wrong there’s a reason behind it and once I stop stressing, pause and center myself it turns out more than fine.

It’s just hard I guess to keep telling yourself that when the thoughts in my head start creeping in trying to tell me I’m a failure, I messed up, it’s all my fault, what am I even doing here and then I just want to crawl into a hole.

Instead I try to put on my adult pants, shower and get dressed, put on some music and handle my shit.

Like, it’s fine, seriously, Eva. You’ll be fine.

 

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I feel like everyone I know also always thinks I have my shit together when really I don’t at all but perhaps it’s the image I portray.

And in the end yeah, I’m fine, I can deal with issues on my own and I develop incredible strength and resilience during very stressful times but it’s the aspect of loneliness that really gives me a hard time.

It’s just nice to have someone help me with things. Or even just someone who is there.

I thought I had someone like that here but that didn’t go so well either.

Sometimes I need to remind myself I’m not alone. I forget that I can reach out to people even if they can’t help me in person, they can be there for me.

I find myself sitting in sadness and loneliness sometimes and then I have a moment and think “Why do I sit here pitying myself, why don’t I just call someone?”

I know the answer.

Because I don’t want to pull anyone down with me.

I always feel like I’m being a pain when I call someone in a bad mood.

How ridiculous, right?

That’s what friends are for!

And it’s especially ridiculous given the fact that I would drop nearly everything to help out someone in need, that someone wouldn’t even have to be my friend.

 

I’m sharing this because us humans tend to become hermits and distance ourselves from everything and everyone when we’re sad or feel unwell.

If you’re going through a tough time or you just want someone to chat please reach out to people! I have offered this before but you can even message me and then I can try to help you or just be here for you.

Don’t sit in your negative emotions on your own for longer than you need to.

I know it’s hard and I’m all about embracing feelings and letting them out but if you feel like you can’t do it on your own don’t beat yourself up about needing some guidance and help.

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February 27th, 2018 

Woooooow, where do I even start.

I ended up moving into another Airbnb for 2 weeks and in the meantime started my acting courses at Royal Central School of Speech and Drama and Central Saint Martins, met cool people (most of which I study with and two of which I ended up moving in with).

I told you!

Things fall into place if you just allow them to.

Life is a rollercoaster ride. I go through so many moods in only 10 minutes and London is a crazy, messy, beautiful place so you can only imagine that I’ve been a bit all over the place since I moved here.

It kind of alters between extreme highs and creative episodes and lows in which I feel homesick and frustrated because things aren’t running as smoothly as I’d like them to.

It’s not easy to move to a new city let alone a new country. It takes time to figure out how everything works.

Things happen, you meet people, there are parties and good times and conflicts and you might get homesick or literally sick and need a doctor but… how does that even work over here, everything is so different, oh my god! (I actually had to go to a hospital emergency room to get a simply prescription of antibiotics because I wasn’t registered with a GP here yet…)

But overall it’s great, sometimes I just forget that my grade of happiness is mostly dependent on myself and how I react and deal with things and not on outer circumstances.

Why do I keep forgetting this?

If you’re like me and need a little reminder, this is it:

You are at all times in charges of your energy and whether you feed into negativity or not. Every challenge can be an opportunity, every downfall can be a victory in the end.

And also: Patience is key.

I am a very impatient person and I tend to dramatize a situation only because one tiny thing goes wrong (or I haven’t slept well, have a cold, there’s a misunderstanding with someone of some kind…), basically I am highly sensitive and my mood/energy are easily shaken and influenced by outside factory I can’t always control.

I just want things to be easy and work right away thank you!!

Though there seems to be a rule that every time you break out of comfort zone there will be the most challenges, set backs, hard ships, arguments etc. And you can either bounce back to your safety bubble or stick it out like the badass you are.

I recently started reading The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck and Mark Manson says something along the lines of happiness not being the state of not having problems but to find the kind of things or people worth suffering for.

There will always be some sort of challenge and bumps along the road but that doesn’t mean it will never get better. That doesn’t mean you’re supposed to give up. Maybe it means you needed the hardship to figure out how strong you actually are or you needed to lose that friend or get dumped by the guy/girl to make space for someone way more suitable for you.

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Enough rambling, back to the here and now.

I’m sitting in Shoreditch House right now writing this post and maaaan, I love this place. This is exactly what I came here for.

I love being in such a creative environment and I am glad I couldn’t move into the first accommodation I found because I now found a place and people who are a lot more suitable to me and what I want.

I’m so lucky to have flatmates who also work in creative industries; we have so many common interests and we are always supporting and encouraging each other in pursuing our crazy careers. We live near Shoreditch which is also a super cool (kinda hipster) young area packed with vegan cafés and co-working spaces. Basically, I’m in heaven.

After not really working out since October I am also finally back in the gym and getting into my best shape ever.

I miss home incredibly and will go visit soon but I am also thinking I will really miss London as soon as I leave too. Who would have thought!

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My plan for the next weeks and months is to do more and more acting training and workshops, work on some acoustic covers and upload them as well as more videos to my YouTube (don’t worry, you haven’t missed anything, I only have 2 videos on there so far), start writing English slam poetry and write at least one new blog post every week, follow a vegan diet and keep working out, meet the love of my life and Ed Sheeran, get cast in Game of Thrones, become a VS angel, fly to LA again, go to Coachella in April and make at least a million dollars by the end of 2018.

Haha.

Dream big they said, right?

 

xo,

 

Eva

 

 

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by boldphotography.

 

 

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