impermanence

Welcoming change, red wine in one hand and peppermint tea with almond milk in the other.

26/06/2018 (edited on 24/7/2018)

It’s almost midnight on a warm Tuesday here in London. And by warm I mean hot. Heatwave. So hot I’d rather walk for 1 1/2 by the canal to get home than spend 30 mins on public transport.

I love the heat, I thrive in this weather.

Anyways, it’s been a month since I last wrote something on here. A lot has happened.

I had a good day today, went to acting class in the morning, was going to go to the gym afterwards and be productive, instead went to the pub, had a few drinks, walked home to sober up, then fell asleep in the sun as soon as I got back for a bit and afterwards had a nice chill night in with friends.

Didn’t get quite as much done as I would’ve liked but I definitely had a good time.

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I realized earlier that I haven’t had a night by myself writing in my room like right now in forever.

I am seeking out more quiet alone time like this these days, I really need it.

I just made myself two cups of tea, an herbal one with lavender and stuff like that to help me fall asleep later (though I have to admit I’m already struggling to keep my eyes open) and one peppermint with a splash of almond milk.

Yeah, you read that right. Peppermint tea with almond milk. 

My favorite.

It might sound like strange combination and when I first heard about someone drinking it I was confused yet intrigued so I tried it and now I literally can’t have it without the almond milk.

Just thought I had to put that out there. (Try it!)

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I am at a point in my life where I know no matter what I do (or not do), everything will inevitably change. My reality and outer circumstances will be very different in a few weeks time and it’s up to me what I make of it.

Everything I am currently doing is coming to an end, I have a big performance in a few days, my courses are over for now and I have to move out of our house in a few weeks as well.

Those past weeks have made me question a lot of things here.

I have looked back on the past 6 months, what my life here has been like, how things have ended and others have evolved, the people I met, everything I got to experience…

A few days into all this thinking I slowly started to analyze, over think and question my whole existence pretty much.

(I mean, what IS the meaning of life?!)

I realized that the only constant in my life, the only person that will always be there for me no matter what is…me.

People come and go, nothing lasts forever, life is an accumulation of goodbyes.

Sounds quite dark, doesn’t it?

Let’s put it a bit more nicely:

Impermanence. 

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A word I learnt a lot about while on the Buddhist Meditation Retreat I won’t shut up about because it changed my life.

I practice non-attachment as much as possible because actually, it is true that nothing lasts forever and if you change your perspective this can be a very liberating belief and doesn’t have to be all sad and sentimental.

 

It becomes easier to let things and people go. 

 

“Just let it pass through you!” a friend said to me earlier when I started telling her about my fear and anxiety of starting over and being momentarily alone.

If I learnt one thing while traveling for 15 months it was to not make goodbyes so freaking hard and dramatic and that there is literally no point in trying to hold onto every good experience or person you encounter in life.

Appreciate the good you have/had, thank whatever or whoever you believe in that these people or experiences were part of your life for a period of time and let them go with ease knowing that more people and experiences are just around the corner.

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Shot by Anthony Gurr (Holland Park, London)

I remember when I was a teenager and went to parties and my Mum picked me up before midnight I always used to tell her how much fun I was having and how I just really wanted to stay longer because I was having the best time and one thing she always used to say to me (and it still makes me roll my eyes) was:

“Man soll dann nachhause gehen, wenn es gerade am schönsten ist.”

Which, for the non-german speakers reading this means something along the lines of “You should go home at the point when you’re having the best time.”

Because you get to keep the best memories that way.

And this doesn’t just apply to parties. 

Most things come to an end when you’re not ready to let them go yet.

But clinging onto them won’t make them last longer.

Some people walk out of your life when you’re not ready to let them go.

But holding on to them won’t make them stay.

Learning to let go is so crucial for our mental health.

Take it from the girl who chose to be heartbroken for days on end whenever I had to say goodbye to someone I met traveling.

Or after I graduated.

Or after a big performance or event.

I was always just so sad it was over that I gave myself no time to be grateful it happened.

Now, I try my very best to drive out any sadness or negative emotions with gratitude for the good things I was lucky enough to experience and the nice times I shared with someone.

I know it’s hard, but believe me, it gets easier.

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Good luck,

Eva x

 

 

 

 

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