what to do when you don’t know what to do

Overcoming confusion, blocking out the noise and mapping out your dream life.

26/6/2018 (edited on 30/07/2018)

It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

Time seems to absolutely fly by.

It’s the end of JUNE 2018 already! Can you believe it?

I’m currently sitting in a café writing this after acting class and there is a lot on my mind.

A lot.

Like, for example, what the next few months are going to look like.

I have some important decisions to make and need to revisit my goals and become a bit clearer on my next step.

I’m currently very torn between staying in London or going back to Australia and living there for a while. (edit: I now have decided, but more on that later…) 

The only reason I’m even considering going back to Oz is because before I made the decision to move to London I applied for my second working visa for Australia and if I don’t use it this year, I lose it.

Forever.

I mean, I can’t apply for another one and I much likely wouldn’t get the chance to ever move over there and have the right to work again.

So originally I only thought it’d stay here in London for a few months but I’m a lot happier here now than I would’ve ever thought and things are going great!

So why leave?

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But wasting the visa also seems like a pretty big sacrifice for… uncertainty.

I don’t know what the future holds for me in London.

It’s partly up to me and my effort but also you can’t predict anything, can you?

And here we go again, this brings me back to a year ago when I was trying to decide whether to go to music school in Berlin or do something else.

I always try to make the smartest, most reasonable decision but I just don’t know.

CAN’T know.

No idea if I will regret not using my visa if I don’t go or regret having left London if I do.

I could fly to Down Under, start my visa and see what happens but that seems a little bit too adventurous. (I already spend a year backpacking over there and had absolutely no plan what I was doing which, at the time was fine and fun but now I want to focus more on my career and personal development and not just party and do casual jobs here and there) 

I do really need a break from the city though, for a while.

But at the same time I can’t really afford it! Ahhhh! I’m just confusing myself more now!!

My friends have all heard me say the exact same things over and over and over again but I know that no one can really help me make this decision.

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I think a part of me knows exactly what’s best for me right now but as we all know sometimes it’s hard to silence all the noise in your head to be able to truly listen.

What I did last year when I couldn’t make my mind up was a nice little exercise that I’d like to share with you today (I think I mentioned it before briefly but I haven’t explained properly. Shoutout to Chiara Mazzucco for showing me this!)

 

I sat down and did the following:

I imagined my ultimate dream-day, say, a year from now.

What would it look like to live a day in the life of your wildest dreams, no matter how unrealistic they may seem?

Write it down.

Look at it and really feel it.

You start by how and where you wake up to going to bed and falling asleep and go into as much detail as humanly possible.

  • How do you feel when you wake up?
  • What’s the first thing you do in the morning?
  • How do you look at yourself in the mirror?
  • What do you eat?
  • Who do you live/work with?
  • What do you do in your free time?
  • How much money do you have?

And so on.

Go crazy here, let your imagination run free and make sure you don’t hold yourself back.

Imagine that anything is possible.

What does your life look like in your ideal vision?

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For me it looked something like:

Live somewhere close to the beach, wake up early, exercise, have vegan breakfast, spend some time in the sunshine, then, for a living work on my blog and create content or be on stage/set and do an acting job during the day, meet friends for food somewhere nice and healthy, overall being happy and comfortable with myself and in my body, to have enough money to support my family and live comfortably, the freedom to travel, live a life filled with art, creativity, love, laughter and passion.

And to have a support network of like-minded people who build each other up.

Positive vibes.

Ahhh, even writing these things down makes me excited and happy.

(I obviously went into a lot more detail when I did the exercise properly but you get the idea of it!)

And theeeeen you look at what you wrote and the only question you have to ask yourself about the decision(s), big or small, you need to make on a daily basis, is which option is more aligned with your dream and vision.

Don’t worry about not knowing exactly how to realize it, one decision doesn’t need to take you directly there but at least it potentially steers you into the right direction.

 

So, when I did this exercise over a year ago, I immediately knew that doing a 3-year long BA in Berlin was just not gonna get me anywhere near where I wanted to be anytime soon.

Then I applied for my Australian visa but ended up moving to London instead. Sometimes you gotta take a detour, right? (And I’m sooo glad I did!) 

To be fair though, London ain’t really close to the beach, is it?

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Yeah, that’s right. BUT. I moved at least I moved here with a vision.

  • To train as an actor and get work experience in creative fields.
  • Spend my days doing allll the artistic things I’ve been wanting to do.
  • Live a good, healthy, active life.
  • Be surrounded by other creatives and great people.
  • Do Yoga, workout and meditate on a regular basis.
  • Be happy.

And I have managed to do all the above.

Which is surprising, since, a little over year ago, I was hardly incorporating any of these things into my life and I had no plan what I was gonna do.

The only thing I would change for my life to be even better now is to live in a warmer climate and not far from the beach, so, gotta keep dreaming.

 

I knew my life wasn’t going to be exactly like I envisioned it when I moved here, but that was the sacrifice I was willing to make when I arrived here in the middle of winter.

I knew it wasn’t going to be easy at first (and it really wasn’t) but I’m happy now and it was worth the struggle.

Nevertheless, I do believe you CAN have it all which is why I am thinking so much about  what my next move should be to get closer to the life I imagined.

 

I know that being able to act, sing, dance, hang out with my friends here and feel like I am doing what I’m meant to is just as good and important for my mental health as it would be nice to see the ocean again and have a bit more sunshine in my life.

So, here goes my dilemma.

I have my support network, home and career here in London now BUT the city I really want to live in is on the other side of the planet.

Do I stay and sacrifice the fact that I’d rather live somewhere else for the fact that I am really happy with what I do here or do I risk the comfort I now have here and start from 0 again in a different country?

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It seems a bit silly to just leave now, really, but I have also never, even for a day, stopped wanting to return to Oz since I came back 2 years ago.

The things that I miss about Australia though aren’t just the lovely beaches and the climate. It’s also the lifestyle I had over there, the people and experiences, none of which will still be the same when I return.

It will be very different and I might be alone for a bit before I make new friends and start working over there.

And did I forget to mention it’s soooo bloody far away!

 

Anyways, this is getting a bit long and probably boring to read my train of thoughts going back and forth.

I am attempting to stay calm through the confusion, meditate daily and reconnect to what my heart is telling me to do and soon enough I will find out which decision is most aligned with my vision and what kind of reality I see myself living in soon. 

 

To be continued. 

 

Eva x

 

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