decision making and (un)healthy life choices

An insight into every day struggles and how to get your life back on track.

10/07/2018 (edited on 20/7/2018, finished on 30/7/2018) 

God.

Where do I begin. (I always start like this, don’t I…)

First of all, I was in a little play a few weeks ago (as some of you may know) and it all went very well.

The weekend of the performance was very stressful yet rewarding, the week after seems a bit blurry, loads of errands, drinks, catch-ups and activities, all in order to avoid and escape the post-performance-blues.

I also read another one of my poems at Word Of Mouth London which was great, I went out until 4am on Friday and again on Saturday (lots of drinks and too many cigarettes also…) and now I am sick.

Thank you, body.

Thank you for reminding me that I need a break.

I do, you’re right.

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As always, I needed to learn the hard way. I needed to become more and more anxious as the last weeks went by and stress increased, I needed to twist my ankle after the performance and then get the flu, all in order to finally pause myself and stop and look at what I’m actually doing.

I am distracting myself from what is actually going on.

All this going out, this forever being busy, this never ever taking a break is simply a distraction.

 

On the outside, I seem happy, energetic, working on so many things, always out and about yet really, at the moment, I am confused, lost, a little heartbroken and feeling stuck, all at the same time.

Overall I have had a fantastic time here in London but I know it is now time for a fresh start and frankly, I am absolutely terrified and don’t know where to start.

 

Basically, I am not really working on any projects anymore at the moment, I have no more classes, my tenancy runs out and overall, I just want some change in my life because I’m not fully happy with where I’m at right now.

It’s that time again…

The time to move out of comfort zone, step up and move on.

And it feels fucking scary. 

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In a recent conversation with my Mum we uncovered WHY I always feel so lost and confused every few months.

It’s because there is literally no constant in my life.

Neither a person (most of my best friends live in other countries and because we all live busy lives we hardly ever see each other, I don’t have a partner, I hardly ever speak to my family because again, they live in another country and it is challenging to stay in touch regularly), nor a place (In the past 3 years I have lived in 4 different countries, constantly traveling and moving around), nor a profession (I am self-employed and an artist, so no regular 9 to 5 work, no secure income), nor studies (I am still studying online but other than that I have only been taking lots of different evening courses and classes but again, nothing consistent).

I didn’t realize until now that this is very, very, VERY unhealthy.

 

I often wondered why I felt stressed or anxious, why I struggle to make decisions or feel different every 5 seconds yet it is actually NO SURPRISE at all.

I always knew that I was lacking a routine in my life but I didn’t really realize just HOW important it is to create a sense of stability somehow.

Also, not sure if this sounds familiar to any of you fellow creatives/entrepreneurs/students etc. but on top of the things mentioned above I also have no consistency whatsoever in my sleeping patterns, meals and no regular gym routine either.

Every day, literally, every single day looks different.

I wake up at 7 am one day and the next day sleep in until 11 am because I stayed up until 3 am the night before and usually don’t have to be anywhere to be in morning and even if I do then I’m tired because I don’t have an evening routine and I’m a bit of a night owl too.

I eat at random times depending what I do and when I get up or go to bed.

I’ve been wanting to work out first thing in the morning but as I said, I never wake up at the same time and so I never got into a good routine and always end up going to the gym whenever I’m free for a couple of hours.

Oh, man.

(side note: Interesting YouTube video about how simple things prevents us from being happy here)

Now that we’ve uncovered the potential reason of general discomfort and unhappiness, let’s work on it.

Hopefully this might provide some inspiration and value for your life as well.

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A few things I’m missing in my life right now:

 

  1. A reason to get out of bed in the morning. Something that drives me, keeps me going. Something that is a part of my life, wherever I am, whatever happens and whoever I’m with.
  2. A motivation to keep going when it gets hard, an objective or purpose bigger than myself.
  3. A routine to create a healthy mental state and good environment to be productive in.
  4. A decision as to where I will move next and a rough outline of what that’s going to look like.

 

To figure these out I think I need to go back to approximately a year ago when I started doing a lot of self-development work and became very clear on how I envision my future. 

I still know what I want, I just need to find focus again because sometimes all the noise and action and all the things happening and people we meet can be a bit distracting and may lead to us losing our way for a little bit.

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I made it my goal to pursue a life filled with creativity, following my passion and doing as much good as I possibly can while I’m at it.

In everything I do (no matter if it’s acting, writing or simply having a conversation) I want to inspire and motivate people and help wherever I can.

Acting, music, writing and performing in general is something I find very rewarding and it brings me a lot of joy but what makes me happiest is when someone messages me or comes up to me and tells me that what I did/wrote/said made them feel something; they got inspired or had the idea to try something new or they were simply able to relate to it and thus it helped them to realize they are not alone.

I don’t like to see things as mistakes as such but something that I have done quite excessively over the past few weeks or even months is thinking and focusing on myself and not the bigger picture.

Now, I am convinced it is crucial to put yourself first and make sure you’re okay but I came to realize that my decisions are not just about me.

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My decisions should be dependent on where and under which circumstances I can serve my purpose best. 

What I mean by that is:

  • What do I have to do to be able to work/perform/create/live and love in the most authentic and passionate way? 
  • How can I become the best version of myself so I can hold space for the people around me and create something beautiful and memorable?
  • In which environment can I thrive best, so I can show up to whatever I do and whoever I’m with best as well?

I was so busy worrying and wondering what to do and where to go that I physically (and mentally) wasn’t doing anyone (including myself) a favor, I felt uninspired and everything I was doing sort of suffered from it.

I procrastinated learning my lines until I was under a lot of stress and pressure shortly before performances, I made A LOT of unhealthy choices (which I usually don’t ever do) regarding my diet, alcohol, cigarettes and going out.

I couldn’t connect properly with friends or family because I felt too overwhelmed by being asked a million questions while I was trying to figure out what to do and I just couldn’t really show up for or listen to the people around me fully.

As soon as I shifted my focus away from my ego, worries and self-doubt and back to what really matters I realized there was no need for any of that.

All I needed was to put myself back in the moment, focus on the here and now and look back at my situation from a different angle.

A few days ago I made decisions.

I sat down on my bed, turned down the lights, opened the window, burnt some sage and incense, put on meditation music and did nothing for an hour.

And it was so powerful.

All I was trying to do the last few weeks was to make the right decisions.

Trying to talk to people about it.

Trying to weigh out my options.

Trying to get some clarity.

Didn’t work. 

The other day I decided to stop trying

Stop doing. 

And start listening.

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Shot by Kashif Haque.

Deep inside I knew exactly what to do.

I just couldn’t hear that voice anymore because I was over thinking and worrying waaaaay too much. Way too much.

In my meditation I sat down, put one hand on my heart and the other one on my stomach, focused on my breath and asked myself what my soul needs at the moment.

Not my ego, nor my body, nor my brain.

I blocked out everything I want to do or have, everything I feel like I should do and everything other people have advised me to do. 

I asked for guidance and support in making decisions and almost immediately I knew I had to take my soul on a little journey.

I will leave London, for a little while at least. 

I will remove myself from the big city bubble, focus a lot on spiritual and personal development, write a lot on here, make yoga and meditation an essential part of my daily life and then, once I feel more grounded and have created a sense of stability and consistency within myself, I will return and focus on acting more than ever.

As soon as I made a decision I felt an immediate sense of relief. 

Sometimes all it takes for you to feel better is surrendering and making one decision in your head. The rest will follow. Things will fall into place and work in your favor.

Trust. 

Have faith.

Listen to your gut. 

Drop your ego, forget your brain and let your soul lead the way.

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Catch you on the flipside.

 

Eva x

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