in transit

A little reflection on Yoga, life and…smoking.

Written on a piece of paper late last night, 15/08/2018.

Today is a transformational day.

I felt so overwhelmed and stressed earlier.

From trying to pack up my life into a suitcase and not spending enough time alone here.

From not getting outside enough, not meditating, not eating the right way and not being present.

From getting carried away by triggers and emotions, questions and uncertainties.

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Then I reminded myself that I am in charge.

I don’t have to feel that way.

I went into my room, turned down the lights, lit incense, made myself some cacao, put on a yoga playlist and rolled out my mat.

I stretched a little but felt the need to reach for my phone in the middle of my practice.

I scrolled through Instagram and found the perfect quote:

The yoga pose is not the goal. Becoming flexible is not the goal. Standing on your hands is not the goal.

The goal is to create space where you were once stuck.

To unveil the layers of protection you’ve built around your heart.

To appreciate your body and become aware of the mind and the noise it creates.

To make peace with who you are.

The goal is to love.

Come to your mat to feel; not to accomplish.

– Rachel Brathen

I put my phone away and returned to the mat.

My dog kept barking and I kept having to interrupt my practice.

My body felt stiff and uneasy.

I didn’t have much space in my room to move freely.

But it was all okay.

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As unsteady as my mind is at the moment, as is my flow and my environment.

I started to feel a little anger rise as tension started to release from my body and so I moved faster; almost rushing through poses and not paying much attention to my form at all.

I felt my body waking up.

After a while I slowed down again and started really feeling.

Trusting.

I let go of any pressure and suddenly, I was able to stay in poses I never used to be able to hold.

I felt a sense of accomplishment but it wasn’t enough.

I challenged myself more and more.

I felt my stress levels rise again.

This is a huge pattern in my life:

Every time I reach a goal I want more, immediately.

I sometimes struggle to celebrate small successes, as it never feels like it is ‘enough’.

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I lovingly acknowledged this pattern of mine and reminded myself that it’s okay to pause.

I slowed down again.

Finished my practice and my cacao and felt good about myself.

Spent some time on my phone.

Went outside for that cigarette I was debating to have for hours prior.

I know that smoking doesn’t bring me joy or peace or health.

It’s disgusting, really.

Yet, I got so used to it again.

Standing outside on the balcony I could see the stars but I was too busy smoking fast to get it over with or something…

It made me feel dizzy. And disgusted.

I needed to feel that. 

After my practice I felt relaxed and warm and after that one cigarette I felt disappointed in myself and a little dirty.

I can still smell it on me.

I took a deep breath, blew out the candle I had burning outside, took my tobacco and put it in the bin. 

Together with the fake tan I was gonna put on afterwards.

I feel better now.

I feel free.

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Eva

 

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