happiness

Social Media vs. Reality.

11/9/2018

Am I really happy?

I ask myself that question a lot.

I am very good at posting nice pictures on Social Media and leaving out most of the pain and hardship and I noticed that it makes people actually believe I’m having the best time ever, all the time.

That is not the case AT ALL.

I struggle.

Hell, I struggle.

I am in Australia, as many of you know and yes, I’m glad I’m here and very happy I came back. 

Does my life solely consist of walking along the beach, coffee in hand, devouring smoothie bowls and laying in the sun?

No.

Those moments captured for an Instagram and Facebook post are really just that.

Moments. 

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Tiny fractions of my life and my reality. 

Most of the time here, I am alone.

By myself, in my room, in the grocery store, on the train, in the city, in my bed.

Missing my friends and family.

Missing London.

Questioning if I did the right thing.

Worrying about the future.

Yes, I wake up every morning and I’m excited that I live in such a beautiful place and I can run to the beach, do yoga, drink smoothies and all that.

But that isn’t the key to happiness.

Coming over here wasn’t gonna magically fix everything and make my life perfect. 

Getting up early isn’t enough.

Working out and eating healthy isn’t enough.

Making new friends and exploring the neighborhood isn’t enough.

I have to freaking work for it. 

And that is what I struggle with.

Pushing myself out of old habits, patterns, and getting uncomfortable over and over again.

Choosing to work towards more than an ordinary life every single day.

Choosing long-term gratification over short-term satisfaction. 

Disciplining myself when there is NO ONE telling me what to do.

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I arrived here a couple of weeks back SO EXCITED to start this new chapter.

To live in my favorite place in the world (so far) and to have one of my best friends here with me.

A couple of days later I woke up and felt like I hit a wall. 

I started to feel lonely and empty again because I realized that building a sustainable and happy life here wasnt gonna be a walk in the park.

It’s hard work to start over. 

Alone.

On another continent.

And while those images I’ve been posting since I arrived here are authentic and real, they aren’t my entire reality.

Please don’t ever think that!

Please don’t ever believe anyone that is trying to convince you that they have a seemingly ‘perfect’ life on social media.

There is no such thing. 

 

We all struggle. We all cry, feel lonely, angry, anxious, lost, confused, tired, empty.

It’s life.

Ebb and flow. 

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I am the kind of person who (seemingly) has no problem traveling and moving to different countries by herself since the age of 19 but is too fucking scared to hand out CVs in coffeeshops out of fear of rejection.

I have been on stage in front of hundreds of people at least a dozen times and yet I get anxious playing the guitar and singing in front of a single person sometimes.

I am insecure alllllll the freaking time!

Stuck inside my head, over thinking things. 

Being back here, I feel judged and labelled for being foreign.

I think people look at me in weird ways waaaaay too many times, I’m scared friends will suddenly stop talking to me because they don’t like me anymore for some reason and don’t even get me started on how anxious and awkward I feel about dating.

That’s a whole different topic.

 

It’s crazy to see how, once I pushed myself out of my comfort zone (my home in London), I am starting to feel funny and shy about really normal, everyday things again, like going to a restaurant by myself, talking to the bank, making a doctor’s appointment and looking for a job.

I put everything off until I literally HAVE TO take action because it makes me so uncomfortable.

Can anyone relate?!

Anyways.

 

I really wanted to write this post because I got a lot of comments and messages recently from people saying things like, ‘Oh my god, you look so happy!‘, ‘I’m so jealous, you look like you’re living your best life!‘ and so on.

And I also found myself sugar-coating my life a lot when I’m on the phone to friends and family because I feel like I’m not entitled to complain or struggle since I made the decision to come back here and I’m so privileged to even have that opportunity.

But let’s be completely real and honest:

I have about 3 friends here so far.

I don’t have a job yet and I am struggling.

I live in a beautiful apartment BUT it is very expensive since it is close to the beach and I can’t really afford to live here for longer than another week or two without working.

I miss my Mum and friends like crazy.

I don’t even want to think about it, otherwise I’ll start crying.

A part of me also really misses the opportunities and support network I had in London and I am really noticing the difference and challenges of not having that here (yet).

I have to force myself out of bed every single day, because feeling lonely and not having a job yet really isn’t ideal for my mental health.

A lot of things are going great but there are even more things that I still really could work on a lot more…

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So to sum it all up:

I am very happy to be back in beautiful Sydney BUT I am not living an entirely happy and fulfilled life at the moment.

I’m in the midst of shaping and building my reality and routine over here and as always, when you move to a new place by yourself (and I can really say this from experience now), it takes a lot of time and patience.

I am also making it my goal to be more real on Social Media and share my struggles since I really felt that my feed was a bit unaligned with my reality and I don’t like that.

I don’t ever want to make anyone jealous or belief that my life is always easy.

And again, let’s be honest:

Whose life is ever always easy?

 

Keep it real, friends.

Love,

Eva x

 

 

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