Just some thoughts about life and change.
You are not lost, you are right where you are supposed to be.
I’m writing this from my teenage bedroom that I turned into an ‘adult’ room when I came home from backpacking for the first time in 2016.
I tore down the curtains, I painted all the walls white again (they were full of quotes and art, nice but it wasn’t really me anymore), removed all things and furniture and started over.
De-cluttered my wardrobe and got rid of everything I didn’t immediately feel love or positivity for.
I mean, I really tried to ask myself: Does this bring me joy or add value to my life?
Do I need that?
It was a crazy feeling coming home to a room packed with things and clothes and more things and clothes after living out of a backpack for 13 months…
It felt suffocating.
After my big cleanse I felt free. Much better.
To my surprise I found that I continued to have similar experiences every time I returned home to visit my Mum.
I always felt like I still had way too much, I looked at most of my things and didn’t feel anything.
I looked at my clothes and thought ‘Why do I even have that?’.
So the process continues.
An endless metamorphosis of myself, my space, my life.
Through every journey, after every place we call home, after every encounter and goodbye in life we shed layers of our own self.
Those layers have manifested in the things we buy and wear, the food we eat and the friends we have.
As the old you starts to crumble, so does everything that used to define that person.
As we grow and evolve through the motions, so do our lives and our circumstances.
Every time I return ‘home’, I feel like I am changed.
Every trip, every flight across the globe moulds and shapes me into a new version of myself.
Not better, nor worse.
Sometimes more resilient, calmer, sometimes more restless.
Something about my perspective changes over time, I learn things from people I meet, I overcome challenges, I surrender once more to lives twists and turns.
My heart gets cracked open by some and healed by others.
And at the end of the day there is me, Eva, writing about it in my notes or on this blog.
Sharing the vulnerability, the struggle, the highs and lows.
The amount of love I have for life at this very moment is something I shall remind myself of on darker days…
I believe the universe really has its perfect timing.
I just arrived back home from my 2 weeks of volunteering at a Buddhist Meditation Centre.
Before that I spent a week at home, before that I spent 6 weeks in Chile, before that I spend 7 months living in Sydney, before that I spend 2 weeks at home and before that I spent 9 months living in London.
(And before that a bunch of other stuff happened but that isn’t the point of this post haha.)
Yesterday I realised that I haven’t been home for more than two weeks continuously in almost two years.
I have stayed in over a dozen Airbnbs and flatshares and moved between 3 continents.
As my time in Chile was coming to an end and I was confronted with the changes that were inevitably going to take place I started to panic.
I realised that once again my plans had changed and so had my life, I was left with uncertainty, fear of leaving alone and more fear and worry about what was gonna happen next.
Maybe I need to go home, I thought.
Be with my Mum, be safe, be comfortable.
Figure out my next step.
I am free, so free that I could virtually go anywhere in the world.
I am so free it’s almost annoying.
Sometimes I wish someone would come around and just take my hand, tell me that this is exactly what I will be doing and it will work and then we move in together and live happily ever after and I never have to spend another day alone but unfortunately, life doesn’t work like that.
I haven’t really had any course, job, partner or anything that made me stay anywhere.
So I didn’t.
I kept moving, running, things kept changing, sometimes things didn’t work out or I just got tired and then I started again. And again. And again…
This was my life for about 5 years now.
In 2014/15 I went backpacking through Thailand and Bali, did 1 year of Work and Travel in Australia, came back and visited friends all over Germany, spend a month in a catholic monastery (yup, it was an experience) and pieced myself back together after going through a really rough time in my life.
I almost moved to Berlin to study, instead moved in with my aunt near Cologne for 3 months, traveled to London and Los Angeles straight after, started studying Nutrition online, discovered an amazing community at a Meditation Centre in Austria that I keep going back to, moved to London to study acting, lived a crazy, happy, creative (and expensive) city life there, followed my intuition that led me back to Sydney, Australia.
Reunited with one of my best friends from my first time there, fell in love, grew deeper into my spirituality and yoga practice, realised my soul was craving a different place, a smaller community in the long run, flew to South America to follow my heart, came back home to Germany and realised that listening to the heart alone isn’t enough to be happy and I need to find stability within myself before I settle down somewhere or with someone.
If you are constantly surrounded by one or more people you will always be influenced by them, one way or another and when it comes to making big life decisions it helps to take everyone out of the picture to make sure you are really choosing your way and not just a way that others see for you or a way that you see for yourself with other people involved.
At this point in time, all signs point to the fact that I need some unattached alone time for a while, as painful and annoying as that is.
I need to go back to mapping out my dreams like I did years ago.
And getting so excited about it as if it was already happening.
I crave getting back into a deeper meditation practice (funnily enough I hardly meditated at all in the place where I just were, I just couldn’t get myself to even sit still I had that much on my mind)…
Setting goals and believing in them.
Life’s struggles are always just a test of faith, the only thing you get to choose is what you believe in.
Believing in myself and not waiting for someone to give me praise.
I used to seek out a lot of validation, especially from my partner.
It doesn’t work like that.
If you’re anxious and insecure, the people around you sense that and nobody can really take those feelings away from you if you don’t believe in it.
If I’m not clear about what I’m trying to achieve, how could anyone help me get there?
If I’m scared as hell about taking steps towards the reality I want to manifest than why would someone take my hand and show me the way?
Only I can do that for myself.
And only then will another person meet me halfway and join the ride.
I will always seek out guidance and support from friends and people around me and there is nothing wrong with that, but I need to become my own rock and anchor.
So if you’re feeling unsure of yourself and you’re questioning your decisions try to trust yourself.
Allow yourself to keep growing, keep moving, keep trying new things.
Don’t lose hope because you feel like others are further down the track than you are.
There is no universal roadmap for success.
Sometimes the road appears only when we keep walking.
You are not lost, you are right where you are supposed to be.
We are here.
We are so lucky.
You can create your future by design. You can choose to change.
You can embrace your metamorphosis and be your own best friend through every part of the transformation.
And if you’re like me and you’re currently feeling very confused, lonely and scared remind yourself you’re not alone, make yourself a cup of tea/coffee and return to the present moment for a second.
Which little step can you take right now?
What is something you can do right now to make yourself feel better?
For me it is writing this, brushing my teeth and going to bed before 9pm tonight.
I am so freaking tired.
Tomorrow is a new day and I’m excited to see what life is gonna bring, even though I have no idea what that is going to look like but I choose not to panic.
I’m here and it is all happening.
I want to say a gigantic thank you to everyone I met or met again at the Meditation Centre. You have helped and supported me so much during this time of change and even thought my heat is aching, it feels warm and full from all your hugs and kind words.
Thank you thank you thank you.
Sometimes people catch you before you fall.
Love and light,