I just came here to write today.
Not with any particular intention, nor with a plan or outline. Just to write.
I want to talk about the struggles of ‘finding your way’, whatever that even means.
Moments when people closest to you struggle to have any faith in you or your journey.
Moments when you yourself lose faith in your journey.
Am I ever going to get anywhere with this?
Am I ever going to feel better?
Am I ever going to make more money?
I don’t know where to go from here…
Why am I not being supported more by the ones around me?
Sometimes I start feeling like I am alone on this planet. Like nobody understands.
Like I can’t talk to anyone about my struggles.
Of course that isn’t true but when you start doubting yourself so much, your brain can make it pretty hard for you to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Ask yourself this:
What am I really worried about?
If you asked me that I would say that I am not really sure but somehow I feel like I am failing when other people don’t think I am moving forward.
It’s so easy for people from the outside to judge me by my travel posts and Instagram pictures, for them to think that I still haven’t done anything properly with my life (Again, what does that even mean?).
They might think I’m spoiled, I’m lazy, I’m a lost cause.
I don’t even know what most of my family or friends think I am doing but one thing I know for sure:
Their perception isn’t my reality at all.
Whatever they have in their minds probably couldn’t be further from what is actually going on half of the time.
And thus I shouldn’t be influenced by anyone’s opinion but I am.
I get questions again and again about what I’m actually doing and when I’m going to get an actual job and that the way I live isn’t ‘the real world’ and I need to ‘grow up’.
Someone once said something to me and I might have even mentioned it in this blog before…
I was complaining about people around my trying to talk sense to me, push me into a different direction, giving me their unwanted opinions and trying to argue with me over my choices to live abroad and how stupid it is that I am not just staying in my home country.
The woman I spoke to about this said to me,
‘Don’t blame them, Eva. They say these things because what you do doesn’t fit into their frame of reality and therefore they react with resistance and project their own fears onto you.’
What you do or want to be doing in the future could be completely normal for you but when you tell your Mum about she starts to panic and tries to talk you out of it because she just can’t imagine how a life like that could be possible.
When a friend tells you about a crazy idea and you think they will ruin their lives or waste money trying to bring it into reality you would just as much try to talk them out of it.
Let’s put it this way and I will use my own story as an example because I can only speak from my own experience:
For me booking flights and traveling, moving to a different country and speaking a language that isn’t my mother tongue has become normal. Completely doable.
I have lived in 3 different countries and traveled many more and I will continue to do so for as long as I can.
If I tell someone from my village who has never even been on a plane before and doesn’t speak much English what I did, they will struggle to even believe I did that.
They will look at me wide-eyed and ask, ‘How?’
They will ask WHY on earth I would do that.
There’s so many different kinds of people.
Some applaud me and some call me crazy, shake their head and laugh.
The same goes when people ask what my PLAN is now. (God, I am really starting to dislike that word. For some reason everyone always wants you to have a plan otherwise they freak out and try to come up with one for you haha).
I usually reply that I want to settle down in a warmer country than Germany, I want to teach Yoga and Nutrition, give workshops, host retreats one day, keep blogging, become more consistent with it so I can turn my hobby into a way of making money.
Find a way to keep traveling frequently, work from anywhere in the world, connect and collaborate with like-minded people and live a happy life close to the beach and nature.
Then they starts asking HOW I am going to do that and I am just like, well, I’m going to keep going, meet more people, obtain more skills through classes and courses, make some money on the side and take little steps every day to get to where I wanna be!
…and that answer usually isn’t enough for people.
They wanna know how, when, where, what my backup plan is, how much money I will need and I will be making and it just drives me completely insane to have these conversations all the time.
I have a dream. Everyone should have a dream.
I guess my dream feels a little more intangible for the outside world than if I would want to be a teacher or a doctor.
No one would constantly ask me specific questions about my lifestyle if that was the case.
Maybe because that’s easier to understand than someone who doesn’t just want one full-time job and instead be self-employed, make money online and some more money teaching things like Yoga or Meditation and giving Nutrition advice.
For me this is completely doable and I know so many people living that kind of lifestyle, being very happy and financially stable.
But I have learnt that for most people, including the ones closest to me, who have classical career and study paths, this is very hard to understand and they struggle to see me succeeding because they have no evidence in their surroundings that one can live successfully like that
I feel like I am justifying myself a little bit here, but I need to give myself a pep-talk to regain some faith in my journey and my intuition that has brought me here.
Sometimes the outside voices become so loud that I struggle to see my path and believe I’m capable of it all.
Then I return back to stillness and to myself and realise that this is the life I want to live.
The creative, vibrant, at times scary and unpredictable yet wonderfully rewarding kind of life.
The kind of life that when people get to know you half of them shake their heads in disbelief and the other half is dying to know more because they feel the same kind of pull, the same kind of calling for something a little bit different.
And also I’m wondering:
What does it even mean to find your way?
Have you found your way when you sign a 2-year work contract?
Have you found your way when you receive your degree?
When you get your first pay check?
When you get engaged or married?
Have your first kid?
Which way are we trying to find?
As some wise person (probably Buddha) once said:
There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way.
We cling so hard to these milestones, these steps of the corporate latter for what?
No job guarantees you happiness or stability.
No degree will guarantee you success.
No relationship will guarantee you fulfilment.
You overcome one challenge and the next one appears.
You study for 3, 5, 10 years and the more you learn, the more you feel like you know nothing at all.
You can be in the most amazing relationship for years and years and one day wake up unhappy. Or they wake up unhappy and you can do absolutely nothing to make them stay.
Life doesn’t guarantee you anything.
No chosen path will always remain solid and stable, we have to stay fluid and adaptable.
I think finding your way means loving the fact that your alive.
Being able to count your blessing even in hardship.
Forgiving people who have harmed you.
Forgiving yourself for the mistakes you’ve made.
Finding your way for me means to have little moments of joy when you’re on your own, and with others too.
It means creating little rituals in your day to day life that make you smile.
It means falling asleep looking forward to waking up in the morning and making coffee.
Looking forward to exercising and moving your body.
It means realising our core needs in life: sleep, fresh air, healthy nutrition, socialising/ love and movement and taking care of ourselves enough so we meet those needs every day.
Oh and laughing.
At the silly things in life, at yourself and your imperfections.
Laughing because you are alive.
Laughing because you spent so much of your life taking everything so seriously.
Chasing the next goal, the next promotion, the next degree, the next guy or girl.
Take a moment to just live.
As you probably know, I just recently completed a Yoga Teacher Training and our Guru said something one morning after our daily Mantra and Meditation that somehow made me cry. Neither happy tears nor tears of sadness just a simple cry of realisation like damn, he’s so right.
We were talking about the meaning of life and finding out purpose, all of us shared different things and thoughts and at the end he said something like,
The meaning of life is to find a purpose and the purpose is to forget the meaning. Just live fully.
He said to us, ‘Enjoy your life, meet friends, have fun, drink coffee, do yoga, do everything you want to and then one day… you die.’
And that is it.
That is the meaning of life.
Find what you love, love it more and more.
Have as much love for yourself, the world and the humans in it as you can master.
Eat good food.
Find a way of making money that brings you joy. Or do a job that pays you well and work on what you love in your free time until one day you can turn it into your profession.
To your Mum, your friends, strangers, teachers, cleaners, humans in general.
Forgive easily but don’t let anyone treat you badly. You can forgive someone whilst still deciding to never speak to them again and that is okay.
Value yourself and your body as the highest gift you’ve been given.
Learn as much as you can and talk to people of different backgrounds.
Be aware of the problems in our world but don’t focus your whole life around them.
Help where you can, take care of the planet and do your best to leave a positive imprint on this earth and other people’s hearts wherever you go.
Keep on loving through hardships, through loss and separation. Just love anyways.
Heal from past trauma and experiences, work on yourself daily.
Do things for yourself and others that feel good.
Take the pressure out of your life.
You’re here, you’re alive, you deserve happiness.
You don’t need to live up to anyone’s expectations.